Sunday, September 2, 2018

Uncomfortable Comfort

Life has changed. Over the past few years, fragments of my life have been uprooted and what has replaced it is hardly recognizable. Not necessarily bad, just different to what I once knew. Locations, people, even day to day routines have all readjusted themselves and I'm still trying to find my place in it all.

I'm a suppressor. I tend to avoid difficult conversation. Although I 'talk' in my online spaces a lot about the things on my heart, my confidence lacks when I feel uncomfortable and confused. I'd rather not talk about something that makes me sort of churn and question everything on the inside. I wouldn't say that I completely sidestep discomfort, but I deal in my own way. Because it is what it is when change happens to you. All you can do is deal. Pray. And move on with your life.

I sort of shift back and forth between this place of  dodging everything I might feel if I think about it too hard, but also just wanting to just get it over with and progress with my life.

In general, I think just dealing with it is better, because once I do, there is no longer this giant elephant looming over that space in my mind. But for a long time, I hide out in my own thoughts playing hide and seek with my emotions. I just don't want to go there...until one day, I do. It's time to rip off the band aid.

And there it is. Change. That awkward revision of our lives.

Although things may appear somewhat distorted, I remain assured that everything will be okay. Because isn't it usually? I mean, yes, it affects us, it attempts to break us for a season if it's a hard thing, but it also makes us stronger. It gives us experience that we would have otherwise not had. This commonly unwelcome metamorphosis has the ability to fill an otherwise dull story with significance. Life goes deeper than just the day to day, 9-5 and repeat. It means more when we feel more. And when we allow ourselves to feel that sort of shock that comes along with change, suddenly we can somehow appreciate it and realize it's only a chapter in our story. An intense one perhaps, yes, but our story continues nevertheless. This time with more determination and heart.

Along with all the big and small changes happening in my world over these past few years, changes within me are happening as well. I've more recently stumbled upon fresh motivation to do more of what I love. 

Because if I don't do that, what am I doing here with my time here on this planet? Why shouldn't we do more than dream? Why shouldn't we make better use of what has been placed deep within us- without feeling guilty? Isn't there a single spot or two in our week where we can celebrate who we truly are, beyond our daily routine?

Change feels ugly much of the time. It makes me nervous and feel sort of cringy. (You can thank my kids for my vocabulary.) But hidden deeper I know peace. I know assurance. I know truth. Even after all the crazy, hard, wonderful and unexpected things that have been thrown at me, I am still standing. And because of that, my trust remains in the Prince of Peace.

So instead of hiding out from the uncomfortable feelings, I will face them. I will allow myself to feel them, but not sulk in them and let them derail everything I know. And I won't be afraid. Rather I will hand them over to God. And I am comforted knowing my heart is not defined by the changes surrounding me, but more so by the changes within me. My life is not less because of change, but rather more because I know more. And I've become skillful in handling new things, hard things, better things with the grace that's been supplied to me. 

And as a result of this, I remain comfortable with being uncomfortable occasionally. For when I am weak, He is strong through me.

Friday, April 27, 2018

What Happens After The Story Is Over

I love a good story. Actually, I love stories in general. I'm the kind of person who can watch pretty much any movie and have very few complaints. I entertain easily. I laugh readily. I cry unashamedly. I'm a sentimental schmuck. But the funnier or sappier the story, the better. I'll watch and re-watch the Grey's Anatomy episode where Mark dies over and over and over and cry every time, even though I know it's about to happen. Give me the cheesiest of chick flicks. I'll still love it, probably.

If you know me, you know I also love telling stories--kid stories or husband stories that have a twist of cringe worthy humor, which basically all of mine do, because such is my life. I love to hear people laugh with me and at my stories, because it's always a good thing when people that think your life is as ridiculous as it is, can laugh along with you.

I've made a habit of being a story teller. If they will encourage you or challenge you or simply make you chuckle to yourself, then I've done my job. I believe stories are influential. I believe they can captivate even the coldest of hearts and soften them. They can make the saddest of people, laugh, if even for just a moment.

I wrote a blog post a few years or so ago, called "I Am Not Broken." I wrote it because I was seeing a trend in Christian culture. A trend where we sing about our brokenness. A trend where we write about our messes. A trend where we put our struggle on display to prove to the world that we are authentic and relatable. We need to tell our story...Because we too are broken and bound. Huh? Wha??---It bothered me because the very reason Jesus came to this earth, was to heal the brokenhearted, to set the captives free. Why does it come so easily for us to put our weakness and brokenness on display? After everything Jesus did to give save us, free us, loose us, and heal us and put us back together from our fallen state- it seems a little unfair.
Is it possible to tell a story of who we were, who maybe we sometimes still feel like and still boldly voice who we KNOW we are now in Christ? I think it is. And it's a compelling one. A story that brings a dead, sad, broken, sick, lost person back to life and makes them whole. Paul said 'For when I am weak, then I am strong.' That's our story. That's way better than telling people to 'Come to Jesus. You can be just like me. I'm still damaged and a mess, but yes, I am so blessed."

Stories are good. But sometimes we become too dependent on a good story to make Jesus feel real to us. I was talking to a friend a while back and she was really excited about a women's event at her church, in which she loved the girl speaking because she was real and honest and she could relate to her stories. I pondered over that concept for a few weeks, honestly. The idea that the Gospel could only be good news if the person sharing the gospel could entertain us first with a good story we could relate to? Could the promises of God, the hope of the Gospel and the message of Jesus be valuable in and of itself? Is it possible that spending time with Jesus-- just you and Him---could breathe life into His words more than any person's story could ever hope to?

I know so.

I am a story teller by nature. I thrive on vivid descriptions and funny anecdotes. I am inspired and motivated when they are told with enthusiasm. I am hopeful when they are told with conviction. I may even believe them if  the person telling them sounds intellectual and like they've done their research--(no Netflix documentary, I'm not pointing at you.) I love hearing them. I love telling them. Jesus even told them to help people understand.
But I don't want to just be stirred emotionally by someone's story, as exceptional as it may be. Because their good story neither has the authority, nor power to change my life.

What happens after the story is over?

Friends, the Word of God is alive. It needs nothing to back it up. The closer you are to Jesus, the less you will need an illustration or an incentive for the gospel to be real to You. My challenge to you is to spend time Him. Get to know Him. Just you & Him, alone in a room with His Word, prayer and worship. Let His story become real to you, just as it is.

Sunday, April 9, 2017


A fit of nostalgia. Is that what they call it? I don't know. 

I tried googling the phrase and I couldn't really find it. But I swear it's a thing. And I've been having one. I made a playlist of songs that remind me of when I was in high school. Because those really are the best songs, aren't they? No matter what decade you were a kid or teenager in, the music that represents the era of your youth will always be the best. 

My dad thinks everyone loves 50s & 60s music. Well, I don't mind them Dad. But they aren't my fave or anything. I'm more of an 80s, early 90's girl when it comes to my musical (genius) playlist.
It's not necessarily because the music is that much better (though I could argue that with comparing it to a lot of today's music). But it brings back memories and feelings of a time where you didn't even get that it would be over before you know it. You didn't even realize you should have appreciated the simplicity of it. You just lived in that moment.

And maybe this is just me, but when you are young, everything seems larger than life. The fun stuff like the concerts and crushes are at the pinnacle of excitement. The hard stuff like break ups and mess ups seemed like they would be the end of us. 
Everything, whether bad or good, was big and impassioned. 
And you unwittingly longed for freedom and adulthood, not knowing that one day when you reached it, a concert would be like...Meh... A roller coaster would be... Blechhh! And crushes and first kisses would be traded for commitment to love for better... or for worse. 

I literally have been walking the track at my gym these past few weeks with tears streaming down face as I listened to the songs and the memories would come flooding in. The opportunities passed. The friendships lost. That sort of euphoric, blissful moment in time has been traded for a really good and comfortable, but a really familiar life. 
And it's not that I want my youth back, but rather I wish I could tell my younger self to protect this season of life. Love it. Love the people in it. Learn from your mistakes. Because it's such a short short time. It's not as bad as you think. But this isn't the best it's going to get either. 

I love where life has brought me. I love all that God has entrusted me with in this season. I love the relationships I have. And I love that I've grown up enough to know how to intentionally contribute to my life. I know to stop and breathe in the memories of my children. I know how to treasure the people I consider my friends. I know that there will be really sad and hard moments, so I need to embrace the joyful laughter amidst the chaos. 

I know that if I want adventure to go beyond waking the kids up late for school, getting frazzled & sweaty, and cleaning up messes of chocolate milk off the floor, I have to pursue it. 

And that is where I think these past few weeks have brought me. 
As I've listened to my songs and felt the emotion through each lyric and melody. I've asked the Lord what can I learn in this short trip down memory lane? Why am I here reliving these moments right now? It's not really just so I can live in my past, but more so I can learn how to better cultivate my future. I don't want to wake up in 20 years, telling myself the same thing over again. I don't want to kick myself for not loving my kids better, not going on adventures with them, not spending time sowing into my friendships or relationships with my family, not walking out my purpose and calling.

As I've taken this journey, I realize how little I have changed. I am still very much the same girl I was as a teenager. I am interested in the same things. I still gravitate to the same style of clothing and music. Not a lot has changed that make up my persona. But I've grown. And that I am grateful for. I can still be me, but I know how to navigate the important things a lot better. 

Though I may regret not preserving the small things in my youth, I don't think that it's an unusual thing. Most of us probably didn't realize how quickly it would pass and how drastically life would change. Most of us probably wish we could tell our younger selves, hang on to these moments, remember them, but don't get stuck in them. I think that is just a part of growing up. Knowing that when we were 'growing up' we'd be somewhat unaware of it all.

So what happens next?
I think just taking each day and making it big, but also pausing in and appreciating the small. Life can't get mundane if we stop often enough to acknowledge what we have... or if we live big enough to have something to remember and talk about to our grandkids.
So that is what I plan on doing. Living life on purpose. Each day. Each moment. I may forget occasionally, amidst a teenage eye roll or toddler tantrum. But I pray that I always come back to be reminded that this life I've been given is an adventure. It's up to me to get in the car and speed it up and slow it down.

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