Saying Goodbye For Now

I sort of feel like I've been standing far off watching my life lately. Like an out of body experience, I'm just standing there (or floating there?) watching myself do and say and live in the way I've done it for years. My life has been busy and I don't really mean physically, although that is certainly part of it. You can't really expect less with a family, but what I mean is I can't really remember what it was like for my mind and my mental and emotional state to not always be going and moving and doing. I remember life without the internet and kids, but when I try to think back I start to wonder, what on earth did I do before? The internet and having children  definitely has the capacity to keep you moving, in one way or another. Do you like how I clumped the internet in with my family? Sad, isn't it?

 For as long as I can remember I have always been a people pleaser. I do and I give and I  love, hoping desperately for people to like me and approve of me in return. Part of this is human nature, and I think part of this is having been raised in a preachers home and always wanting to be sure I didn't say or do anything to present a bad image for my parents. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing and I am certainly very loyal, but what I am saying is that is all I've ever known was to try to do things for other people, so in turn people would approve of me.

This drive turned insecurity has most definitely carried me through my adult life. There is a part of me that has always wanted to prove to people I am good and honest and genuine, somehow guessing that if I didn't keeping talking and trying to prove myself, they would think less of me (see? insecure). There is a part of me that is always subtly trying to find ways to get people to just like the person I am...either by being the happy one, funny one, the encouraging one, the helpful one, the selfless one, the smiley one, the friendly one, maybe even the helpless  or needy one, etc  It's not so much a cry for attention, but a fear of loneliness and being rejected.  And I think these qualities are all  parts of who I am, yet most times subconsciously I needed that love and acceptance in exchange. I needed to be needed.  My inward desperate plea is for people to validate me in one form or another.
 I see that as a weakness in myself.  Pure honesty here, folks.
And with that, I have spent the majority of my life being busy, mentally trying so hard...and I absolutely hate the feeling of wondering if people are thinking negatively of me in any way.
It literally scares me.
 I've sort of been watching myself, the things I've said, written and acted upon over time...the extremely uncomfortable lengths I have tried at times to avoid rejection...and I start wondering why I do that. What is this obsessive need for people to approve? Yes it's human, but mostly it's fear. And spending every moment of your life trying so hard to say or give or fix or do or beg or please or help so that you can feel love in return,
it gets exhausting. And I am sure it's unnecessary.

This blog...sigh, oh this little blog of mine has been on sort of teeter totter the past few months. I've sort of been on auto pilot mode with it so that my numbers didn't drop (see what I mean? fear), but not really having a lot to say.  I was talking to (actually crying to) my husband about this and how I am grateful I started this blog. Not only did I somehow find myself again in my love for creativity and art and writing, but it helped me sort of navigate my way through  an extremely sad part of my life.  And as wonderful as the blog community is and the friends are that I have met and love, blogging so far has been sort of a temporary fix for this frightened existence I've unknowingly lived. And it's kept me busy, so I don't have to think about it.  In the beginning I thought it was healing, but now  I 'm seeing  it's kept my mind off the fear of loneliness I didn't want to face.  I kept so busy in my writing trying to help, relate to and be there for people so I wouldn't have to think about myself and what could happen to me if I stop moving and thinking  and talking for a minute.
It's an unhealthy pattern for me, and I feel crushed if it doesn't work like I hoped. My heart is let down.
And I allow it to make me feel smaller than I should, I think.

 Not being busy is what scares me. Because that means life will be too quiet and I will have nothing to drown out that silence, which to me, embodies loneliness.  I realize that although I've tried,  I cannot change or control what others do or the way they see me, but what I can do is change and control the way I live and see myself and the rest will fall in place.  And I've never taken the time to just sit still, to let my mind rest and not always frustrate myself in my efforts and pleas.  I am convinced that I just need to be quiet for once and find a way to really love myself and believe in myself....and let God love me.

The internet in general has been a huge distraction for me over the past decade. Mainly the social media aspect of it. It has added a level of drama and excitement and  anticipation and torment to life that sort of blankets that fear of being bored  or unloved. It has covered it so eloquently that I forgot it was there. Just like a workaholic or alcoholic or drug addict or sports addict, social media and all the relationships I have managed to build within it have kept me preoccupied  in various ways. If you're a blogger or really anyone that has a relationship with technology, I'm sure you know what I mean. Especially in this smart phone era where the clamor is constantly begging our attention and it very literally makes my head spin some days.  It has been a band-aid and I have used it to an extent to hide behind. I think it's a good thing that I realize this and that I know now that I need to just hush the buzz of this techno paced world for awhile. Silence may the solace I need to recover from this disease of insecurity and to discover who I am without all the noise I've been constantly carrying in my mind. I want to know what it is like to live a quiet life and not be afraid of it. I want simply to embrace the sweetness of it.
Like any habit, I am aware of the pain and withdrawal it may first seem to cause , this quiet, but in the end it will help me be stronger and believe in myself and do more for myself, which in turn will help me love for bigger reasons than me.  I believe this is just one step of my 'big picture' and it will help my writing in the future... which I never plan to give up, even if it's just for me.

And it will give God one more opportunity each day to show me who He is to me.
My source of strength, comfort, confidence and peace will be in Him alone. It has to be.

Thank you to all of you who have read through my tumulus and thought processing blog and facebook posts and offered your generous words these past 16 months. Really, you are all very precious to me because you make up a part of my story, some in a little way, others in a bigger way. But either way,  you were there.... And if you were one of those who sort of stumbled across my scattered path of wanderings (and this may only make sense if you actually know me), either blindly or on purpose, I am sorry.  I think some people in my life understood me more than I understood myself at times.  This blog means a lot to me and it hasn't been an easy decision to sort of "officially" state that this particular season of this blog is over for me and I'm not sure how long this lull will last. Because of course it scared me to maybe lose readers and friends. But it is the best thing for me in this moment. I need for my confidence to be outside of people. A season of growth...
  I'm not sure right now what the future holds. I really can't say when I will be back here on From Awkward To Art, but I hope you are still here if/when I do make my way back. I suppose it will be at least as long as it takes for me to get used to my thoughts in silence and realize nothing has to be said of them. I don't always have to talk and do. I hope that's ok.

To hear only the voice of God and His assurance of who I am, no strings attached,
is what I am longing for.

So for now, I am saying goodbye.

Psalm 46:10-Be still and know that I am God...

Not The First Time I Denied Jesus

Last fall, I remember sitting in my bedroom at the headboard of my cozy bed while my husband laid at the foot. Tears streaming down my face as I barely sputtered out the words, "I feel like Peter." Yes Peter, the disciple of Jesus, that Peter. Just hours before Peter denied Jesus three times as Jesus was being directed to the cross, he self assuredly announced to Jesus face that he would never deny Jesus. But Jesus knew better. Before it was even done, Jesus told his disciples "One of you will deny me three times" as he indicated Peter would be that one.

Denying Jesus is an easy thing to sort of accidentally do. In just minutes, I'm sure I can give dozens of  detailed moments in life where I said nothing of Him when there was an obvious open door to share Him, where I willingly sinned, not even remotely being "tricked" into it, where my faith laid low because that's what "they do" and they claim to be Christians. These are all forms of denial.  

But not this time, this time stood out among the others. This time, I wrote a blog post and I took it back. And I have been meaning to talk about it for months, but haven't been able to bring myself to it.

Mostly when I write, I either write from the deepest parts of me, yearning and searching for this LOVE of Jesus to overcome all failures and hurts and chaos in my life OR I write letters of hope of His love to you, my reader. Either way, I have never made any pretenses that I was not a follower of Jesus. I hope that this is obvious.

However, this time was different. This time I spoke up for righteousness. I spoke up in defense of not only the love of our God (which is easy to do because 'love' is accepted by most kinds of people), but instead I stood up for the holiness & the jealousy of our God that so many people want to pretend isn't a factor. I'm not a confrontational person, I hate rejection, but this is one time it was stirring inside me to say something bold. And I admit, I was scared.

Guess what happened? It won't shock you. It shouldn't have shocked me. But I lost readers. Several. Not hundreds.  Less than ten, even. But I watched throughout the day, my "followers" drop. 

And then I did it. I unpublished the post. I let them get to me. I let the people control my faith in God and who He is. People I don't even know.

I remember telling my dad about it and his response was "How many did you lose? Like 400?"

Uh....no...like 9 or 10. My cheeks flushed bright red.

And this is where the tears brimmed in my eyeballs. What had I done? I actually denied Jesus. Like really.
I wasn't faced with torture. I wasn't faced with a guillotine. I wasn't a marter. Just a blogger who had lost a few readers. And yet, I let people control me. I didn't even know who these people were. Yet they had power over me that day.

Since that day, I realize that now every time I convey God on this blog, my numbers drop one or two more. I don't let it get to me like I did that day. But I have realized how much people have an influence on me. As badly as I want to influence others, there are those painfully weak moments where they win. The people win.

My confidence in myself fails and I let my influence on others be shaken.

But then I am reminded of what Peter went on to accomplish, the example he set...even after He denied Jesus.

I have been hinting towards this throughout the past week or two. That I too often, let others have control over who I am. What I do and don't do. But I also said here, that it's after times like these, that I see there is room to adjust my sails and point myself in a new direction. I don't condemn myself, because I am confident in God's mercy,  but I judge myself and I look for opportunity to stretch...

To Be Continued...

Matthew 10:33 But whoever denies me before people, I too will deny before my father in Heaven.

I'm A Sucker For A Cute Dress (WIW)

Some days all I need to make me happy is a new dress, an impromptu backyard photoshoot
and a little bit of free time to do some editing.

I'm a sucker for a cute dress. 

I'm just a girl who loves anything casual. And this includes dresses.

As much as I love dresses and skirts, to me it's mainly for comforts sake. I don't often get all dolled up and go out on the town. Not that I don't want to, it's just not all that convenient with three kids. 

You know money, babysitters, energy...blah blah blah...

But I do take every opportunity I can to go to church, or the fair or the grocery story in a comfy, summery dress. I just picked this one up this past weekend and am loving it.

(oh and excuse the rash all over my legs. that's not always there. I had an eczema flare up. boo!)

linked up with pleated poppy for what I wore wednesday

Currently: What I'm Wearing and Doing This Fine Spring

Spring has finally made it's way here. Although I'm not sure how long it's going to last. My fingers are crossed that it will continue and I can finally get comfortable. The weird thing about me is I love when it starts cooling down after summer. I love sweaters and boots and crisp leaves and cool air. But after winter. Our long drawn out winter, I am beyond done. I am ready for sandals and tanks and skirts.  That's right, skirts and dresses are generally my choice throughout the spring and summer. I feel much more at home in a skirt and sandals any day than shorts. Especially as I get older. Shorts are not my friend as age creeps up on me.

I thought since I get to wear new-ish clothes that I'd share a few spring looks on the blog this week. I have sort of an announcement to make, that I wrote up weeks ago and have been waiting for the right time. I think probably on Friday or Monday. But for now, here are a few things that are current to me.

Eating: I just ate a bowl of oatmeal. This morning I had strawberries and an orange. I snuck in a donut in our cafe at church. But I don't think anyone saw. We are trying to eat clean and healthy around here lately. I've had a few setbacks. It's not making hubby happy. I'm pretty sure he looks down upon me. The guilt is overwhelming.

Listening to: Well I just finish making a message opener for our youth ministry service this week. So I was trying to find a song and started listening to PLUMB. I've been listening to her for close to twenty years, I think. Her lyrics are always so honest and speak to me. I posted a heart wrenching song by her earlier this week here.

Reading: I have been doing a lot more reading and a lot less blogging lately. And I'm glad. I just whipped through two books this past week and am now reading a book called "Escaping The Devils Bedroom" by Dawn Herzog. It's about women who have come from a background of human trafficking or sexual exploitation.  I'm also picking up with "Catching Fire." I know. Am I behind or what? I started reading through about two chapters over a year ago after I read the Hunger Games and I don't know what happened. Kids, I think. So, here we go again...

Loving: Ok. I'm loving the back of this tank top I'm wearing. I totally dig it. What I'm not loving is the obvious need for some back and arm exercises and possibly the lack of tattoo?

Hating: Eczema. I mentioned this last week, but if you could see underneath that skirt and tank (haha) you would see legs and back and tummy covered in a rash. I went to the doctor this week and it's starting to clear up, thanks (no thanks) to steroids. I'm not a fan of using steroids or meds in general lately to cure myself. Especially after we have been studying up on food and how it affects your body, good and bad. 

But it's a quick fix to a painful process. Oh so painful.

Annoyed With: People who take other people for granted.  People who say mean things, just to make someone sad. People who want to hurt people they love, because who knows why? Especially because I know deep inside, at least I can only hope that they wouldn't want the people they love to be in pain. And in the end, they are only hurting themselves, because they will lose the people that mean the most to them and that loved them so much.

 Wishing for: Dare I say? A baby boy... Yes. I dare.

Praying for: I'm always praying for peace and grace to carry me through my day. I wake up and commit my day to the Lord. I'm always praying for opportunity to be used by God, whether it's with a stranger or my children or my sisters. I always want to be open to it no matter who or what. I'm always praying for my family and circumstances I know they may be facing. And I'm always praying for wisdom and guidance in the decisions I make. These are daily prayers for me. Of course as times and seasons come upon us, our nation, our world, our church, our family... I pray for that as well.

Editing: Photos from an impromptu "before church" photoshoot this week. Should be posted tomorrow or the day after.

Thankful for: Honestly, I'm thankful that my life is calm. In the sense of no drama. When drama knocks on my door, I politely say "no thanks" and move on. I've had enough drama for one lifetime I think.

Working on: Flyers up the wazoo. Banners, flyers, graphics. Always. I volunteer doing web and facebook updates for the church my dad pastors. So they are always asking me to make something. And I do. Usually with a willing heart ;) Sometimes I need an attitude check. Only sometimes.

Missing: New music. Any music. I need more music. Any suggestions would be great. I love folksy stuff. I love eclectic. I love worship. I love jazzzy. I even love a little bit country. I just don't make my way to purchase anything. And I haven't in years. I love Swell Season and The Civil Wars and Amy Winehouse. I love Cranberries and Norah Jones and Gungor. And yes, I love love love Toby Keith. Someone get me some new music.

Devotions: Jesus Calling by Sarah Young. And She Reads Truth as we make our way through Hosea. It's nice to finally read some of these books of the Bible I never read (ashamedly).

Looking at: A cute little blond girl, who is scolding me that I'm taking too long. I guess that's my cue.

linked this up with Pleated Poppy for What I Wore

Entertaining Kids Without A Crutch

I could have easily just put a few adorable photos of my kids up and left it at that today. I'm not the gabbiest girl on the block lately. But let me tell you what's been going on here. For the last 5 days, we have not had the internet. Our server is having issues and after checking to make sure we paid our bill (which we did), they sent us a new router and it still didn't work. Then they promised to come fix it Saturday and they never showed, so I'm sitting here on Sunday afternoon hooked up to Jeff's phone which we are using as a hot spot. We use a different phone company than our internet server (thank God) and he is grandfathered in to an unlimited data package (thank God).  But unless Jeff doesn't need or want his phone and happens to be around, we have no internet. Hopefully today they come.

Let's face it! In the culture we live in, as parents, the internet and television has become a crutch for us. It's our "keep the kids busy" safety net and way of escape.  When you get used to it; the kids wanting to play online or go on Netflix or theWii, it can get a little very uncomfortable if it's gone because suddenly they are all bored out of their mind and suddenly have to find something mischievous to do to entertain themselves.  The funny thing is,  I've been thinking over this a lot lately, changing the way we live to the way things used to be, like in the "olden" days. You know before a grocery store full of processed foods, before fast food,  before television, before the internet... What did people do? What did people eat? And very honestly, we have been working on this at home. Changing bad habits. I've been working on it. Being more natural with the way I live.  Which is mainly the reason I haven't been around as much.  The less and less I go online, the less and less I am interested in going online, The less and less I eat junk, the less and less I am interested in eating  junk.
It's a good feeling.

However, it's one thing to decide to make changes. It's quite another to have it all ripped away from you without warning. Womp Womp.  We have had some of the most ridiculous fights between the kids this past weekend. I'm not exaggerating  when I say that Saturday morning I woke up (because of) and immediately dealt with an hour long screaming fight over a mighty bean. Not mighty beans plural, which we have. It was one specific mighty bean, a robot one. And not just any robot one. A red robot mighty bean. If you don't know what it is, google it and you will realize how ridiculous this is. Out of breath and out of a voice from yelling, I finally forced the girls into the bathtub and made Wes give Jada the robot (it was only fair, he had like 8 others). It's sort of a blur, but what I remember is I kept yelling "We are family! That's what we do! We share!" And Wes was hunched around the corner outside of the bathroom like crouching tiger, hidden dragon ready to pounce on her and steal it back when I wasn't looking. This was a serious brawl, my friends.
I was close to losing my mind.  
Saturday night, I forced Jeff to take Wesley to a movie, just to get him out of the house and away from Jada.  And Friday Night, Jeff took Jada out while I had a date with Wesley. This is what we have to do. Split them- the older kids. Usually the internet or Netflix will preoccupy one of them so the fights are kept to a minimum, but now we have to keep them separated in order to maintain our sanity.   Sure I love the idea of doing things together as a family. It's just is no fun usually.  Jada loves to tick Wesley off.  It's a sport to her. She really loves it when he gets mad and chases her around the house. I'm serious.  She loves it. It's a power play for her.
Yes, she is 'one of those.' You know the type. She provokes it and she laughs as he starts screaming and running after her threatening to punch her. And then it happens. He punches her or chokes her or throws a remote control at her eye.  And then I have to discipline him, even though I know it was her fault. She has no problem playing the role of the instigator and in the end, the victim.  And she laughs as he gets disciplined.
I look over at her with tears in her eyes and a huge smile on her face. Do you know anyone like this?
It's exhausting. I'm wiped out. This momma is tired.

I always pull out the big guns with my kids. You know the "When I was a kid, we played outside. We didn't even have the internet. The first time I saw a computer was in high school and I played Oregon Trail."
You know the tough stuff that parents say that their kids don't care about... Yeah, that's right. I say it.

Tell me. How do you keep your kids entertained without the "crutch?"

Just Keep Breathing...

For those of you who are weak, who are tired and who need strength to just keep breathing...
You're not alone.

Well, everybody's got a story to tell
And everybody's got a wound to be healed
I want to believe there's beauty here
'Cause oh, I get so tired of holding on
I can't let go, I can't move on
I want to believe there's meaning here

How many times have you heard me cry out "God please take this"?
How many times have you given me strength to just keep breathing?
Oh I need you God, I need you now.

Standing on a road I didn't plan
Wondering how I got to where I am
I'm trying to hear that still small voice
I'm trying to hear above the noise

How many times have you heard me cry out "God please take this"?
How many times have you given me strength to just keep breathing?
Oh I need you God, I need you now.

Though I walk, Though I walk through the shadows
And I, I am so afraid
Please stay, please stay right beside me
With every single step I take

How many times have you heard me cry out?
And how many times have you given me strength?

How many times have you heard me cry out "God please take this"?
How many times have you given me strength to just keep breathing?
Oh I need you. God, I need you now.

I need you now, Oh I need you, God, I need you now.
I need you now. I need you now

Lyrics and Music by PLUMB