|This may seem a little long, but bare with me, I have a point =) At some point in time, I dont know when it was, I'm thinking in my 30's... I finally learned who I was. Haha, that sounds funny, but I really do think you go through periods in life where you try to please other people, so you never really find out who you are until you are just sorta over all that...and living YOUR life. you pleased your friends just to fit in, or you tried to please your parents because, well you gotta, you pleased your teachers to get good grades, and as for me, Im a preachers kid, so well I had to sort of be on my best behavior and please those around me, as I suspect a politicians family, or celebrity's family or actually any families might do, if even just to your neighbors....People are just very concerned with what people think in general. |
I went through a great deal of my life, not even realizing I didnt know myself. I didnt know what my personality was, what really interested ME, what dreams I had, what characteristics I had that could benefit others. I just didnt.. I venture to say, many people go through this and dont even realize it until they went through it, discovered who they are and it shocked them, like ...ooooohhhhh, so THIS is me!!! I didnt even know I was looking for myself!! =)
In the last few years, I discovered to simply be ME. If you dont like it, oh well. If I set my sites on pleasing YOU, and I am unhappy, then it's simply not worth it. And I dont think that is how God wants us. He created us each so uniquely beautiful and we each DO have a service to others...but that service isnt simply for their approval, it is to help them and bless them. For so long, I avoided confrontation no matter how much something bothered me. Or I avoided asking questions, no matter how confused I was. Or I avoided my own personality, because somebody might not get it. Thats just so wrong, in so many ways, for so many reasons.
On that same note, with sometimes those dreams or talents being different than those I am so close in contact with, I always felt a little out of place. I dont preach. I dont sing. I dont play an instrument. I'm silly and sarcastic and I make alot of jokes at my own expense or sometimes at those I can get away with ;-). I cant speak in public, I can barely speak in private. I tried once to minister to a stranger and I was shaking so bad, the person actually looked at me like she was scared of me, because I was a freak or something! I like making videos and taking pictures and editing and graphics, but what do I do with that, half the time it makes people annoyed with me that I dare to make a video starring myself or take a picture or 200...lol!
(Side note: One time though, a few years back, MTV actually contacted me about one of my videos, where I was making fun of McDonalds Drive Thru and they wanted me to be a part of some show they did that made fun of Music Videos...so I guess I was funny?? )
ANNNYYWAYYSSS... PLUS, I am brutally open and blunt about alot, so much so, I probably embarrass people close to me, in fact I know I do! But I cant change who I am based on the approval of others, I can only ask God, "ok God....I need a direction here, I need YOU to use ME how you created ME to be, and I cant fit into anyone else's agenda of who I should be." Speaking for myself, thats just not a fun place to be. In fact, Ive wound up in tears because of it many times..
Two things I want~ 1) I want to please God. 2) I want to be happy in doing so with what he has given ME. I DO see things in myself that God has placed in me, and I love being a wife and a mother, but how on earth am I ever going to go beyond the walls of my own house, or the life that I am accustomed to and pursue those dreams God placed in me when I was a teenager? This is where I have been, living the dream of "I have a dream that someday..." and just watching my life go by, and never really pursuing it. Today I woke up and God was speaking to me concerning moving on past my past and moving forward to obtain his prize. And as I meditated on this throughout the day, These thoughts start forming, coming only from the Lord, of course, and I began to write them down. The funny thing about me, is when something is heavy on mind or I am in deep thought about a topic, I think in "poetry form." Thats one of those weird, most likely God given qualities that I have, that sometimes I'm like "huh? what do I do with that?" Anyways, God shared with me his warmth, his sweet nature, and his encouragement. I was blessed to tears... and I just wanted to share with you, for all those of you who feel stuck in rut with your day in and day out life, THIS may be for YOU too!
CliCK on my LOVE NOTES page link above to read what God so sweetly whispered to me =)
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