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Saturday, February 18, 2012

Coffee Talk~Depression Vs. Joy

we ALL have those moments where we desperately need to TALK to someone. 
sometimes its a therapist. sometimes a pastor. other times its your significant other... 
hubby, boyfriend, your crush? 
most times its a CLOSE friend!  or when you have kids, sometimes you have no choice, 
but to spill your guts to them. who is guilty of crying to your three year old about bills? 
with technology these days, we've all found a moment to talk to our facebook wall or tweet to everyone out there in the tech world that will listen to us talk about our latest "real life" story or complaint.
more often than not, i swear, i talk to myself. 
its really the humor and joy that you can find in the midst of all your "stories" that make life 
completely interesting & worth living!  what is life without HAPPINESS and LAUGHTER?
one of the main reasons and niches behind my blog is learning to laugh 
in the those moments you want to cry. 
i can tell 1000 stories about my kids that in the moment, i most likely had both eyes BUGGING out of my head, but when i look just moments later at them, i laugh.
actually & really, laugh. and it's the best!
i love when i am talking to myself (er...thinking) and i am in the store, or better yet,
at the gym and whatever i was discussing with myself was obviously hilarious.
and I am smiling the HUGEST smile on the planet 
...on the track, or pushing a grocery store cart, whatever the case...
its so good to laugh! ...really, when Proverbs 17:22 says 
A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones.
it IS REALLY so so so true!
I always saw myself as a really happy, joyful person... that I was pretty darn optimistic in life.
In my mind, I sort of described myself as "candy story julie" and I could look at life,
at annoyances, disturbances, arguments... and just find something good that I could 
love or laugh about no matter what.
Then a few years ago, I went through some personal horrible lows, and I swear I never understood depression or suicidal thoughts or battles of the mind, until this happened to me!
to ME, candy store JULIE! where there was good in everything!! here I was sitting day in and day out, desperately wishing for a way out of life...
 Hitting the lowest low I could ever experience, when "life" really wasnt so bad...
yet my mind could NOT stop spinning and thinking, my heart could not stop hurting and breaking, 
i had soo soo many emotions, from pain to guilt to hurt to shame to heartache to embarrassment to loneliness to defeat to low self esteem to feeling unloved to feeling jaded to distance from God...
the list goes on and on...
and i wanted desperately to simply STOP THINKING. thats all there was to it, i needed to find a way to stop thinking. to make my brain STOP functioning for like 2 minutes, so i could smile..
a REAL smile...    more importantly, so I could breathe.
I cant find any other way to explain it! I needed to stop thinking in order to live...
I didnt know how to make that happen!
and I felt like I had no one in the world to talk to. I did have a few friends I talked to, but I honestly dont know if anyone, but myself and God knew how completely ALONE I really felt.
I missed myself! I missed laughing, because I am someone who LAUGHS at EVERYTHING.
...and I loved that about myself, i loved that i got jokes, 
and i made jokes and i could laugh at pretty much anything. 
I MISSED that girl, the girl who laughed!!
I had no clue how to get her back. For a brief period,. I went on meds for depression, but I quickly took myself off them because I just didnt want to be "THAT GIRL" who couldnt make life work without alternate substances. That wasnt me!
Finally after battling and struggling with this emotional instability for close to 2 years,
I had NO choice but to give it up to GOD! Afterall, he was the only one who saw me hiding in my bathroom, or my car or my closet bawling my eyes out on a daily basis.
I think there was a part of me that had attached myself to feeling this way, 
to feeling self pity, to feeling worthless...
AND I KNEW if I gave this over to GOD, and asked him for his help...
he really actually WOULD help... and I would lose that part of me!
Thats why it took me so long to just talk to God, ask him for HIS help...
Isnt that scary? that we would be come so attached to a negative part of our lives,
that we wouldnt WANT to give it up to FINALLY experience ourselves again?
to experience peace and joy again???
Honestly, its taken time.. it was hard to let go of all that pain, but I think that God is so merciful,
he has had so much patience with me...and was sort of like a therapist in that he took me by the hand, one step at a time, to regain that peace and joy in my life again.
The great thing about coffee talk with GOD in those moments that nobody else understands, 
HE actually DOES understand. 
He didnt go through training, or he isnt getting paid to listen to you, he doesnt have faults, yet he is the ONLY one who can hold you and cry with you and not offer you ONLY a ear to listen, 
or give you words of advice, but he can bring healing...total and complete restoration!
and he knows YOU better than any other person ever will, 
Luke 12: 7 says that even the hairs on our head are numbered, 
which means that GOD knows us by detail...
and he KNOWS what method will bring us healing, comfort, joy & peace 
the way WE need it, and sometimes at the pace we need it!
It truly has been a process for me, to let go of so much I was feeling...
and let God fill those voids. 
Now and then, the slightest little irritation or hurt will strike me, and I can feel myself try to slip back into this place of worthlessness... and despair..
which is weird for me, because, like I said, I was never like that...
but at least now I know, when I start feeling that way, to go immediately for council 
 from the Prince Of Peace!  
And little by little, I am learning to laugh...again...
and I LOVE IT! I love laughing, belly laughs...
I LOVE peace of mind....and JOY! 
Don't YOU?!!

Isaiah 26:3 ~.
You will keep in perfect peace all who trust in you, all whose thoughts are fixed on you!

 last week i wrote a poem for a youth service at our church. i love writing my thoughts in poem form, but i struggled with it, because it was something i was ASKED to do... 
rather than thought up myself...
so i stopped, prayed and looked to God, to help me write this from MY heart.. and he did. please click on my Love.NotesLove.Notes page to read the poem. i felt it came from a deep place inside of me, and again, it was God speaking to me...
to all of us...

20 comments:

Natalie @ NS Pottery said...

You are gorgeous, friend!!! And so sweet! (thank you!) :) What a post to come to... I'm a sucker for posts written from the heart. I can't imagine life without my Savior and don't even want to think of what that would be like- a hopeless mess. Thanks for sharing your story ♥

Erin said...

you are beautiful and this is a wonderful message :)

Julie Marie said...

=) thank you

Julie Marie said...

thank God for his everlasting kindness =)

the mom diggity said...

This is absolutely beautiful...as are you! Running to the King of Kings will rescue us from the deepest deep. I'm thrilled that you are finding the "candy store julie" again! We've all been there :)

meme-and-he said...

cute pictures! loved the honesty in this post...and I am thankful to have several people in my life to spill my guts to :)

stringsandbuttons said...

This is really inspiring. It's very rare that I come across blogs where people 'say' instead of 'show.' It's nice to hear that there are good days and bad, but eventually it will all be good. xo

Rachael said...

Just to echo others, I love your honesty. Many blogs are really positive but rarely reflect on the tough days and, as a normal human creation, I appreciate the honesty that sometimes, even on this beautiful planet, we are tested and struggle. Rx

Julie Marie said...

thank You... i always prefer honesty. it relates to so many people... and it helps to know someone else has made it through =)

Julie Marie said...

thanks so much =) yes, i always have alot to say...
but i am trying my hardest to show once in awhile too..
im sure there is a healthy balance, but i guess our blogs are OURS =) so whatever we like, i guess will come out in them..

Julie Marie said...

thanks =) it is always so so good when you have someone to talk to, isnt it?

Julie Marie said...

awwww. thanks.. i am super thrilled too... xo

ginanorma said...

So beautiful and vulnerable Julie thank you for sharing this with us. It's unbelievable how gripping depression and sadness can be. It's paralyzing. Living moment by moment IN God and that abiding is VITAL for us to LIVE, really live. What He can do is beyond comprehension, HE IS THE ultimate healer, and GREAT PHYSICIAN! I'd love to have a cup of coffee with ya...

Julie Marie said...

even though i have been a christian since i can remember, i am just now realizing the vitality of my relationship with my savior. how desperately i need him, i just dont know what people do without him that go through this sort of thing...
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. ps 23:4

thank God for his promises...
and yes, a cup of coffee would be awesome (even though i dont drink it-hehe)
...some day =)

Unpublished Life said...

Hi there, just found your blog and am a new follower. What a great, honest post. I cannot wait to read more.

Depression is one of those things you cannot understand until you go through it (that's what I was like before I went through my depression about 6 years ago). The old me would have told myself to just "Get over it!", but my heart was heavy. It was a very scary experience, because you can't see an end in sight. All I wanted to do was sit in a corner of my room.

But, I spoke to God the whole time (I do most of the time, anyway) But, I really spoke to him a lot. And I would not have got through it without him.

http://unpublishedworksofme.blogspot.com/

stringsandbuttons said...

Thanks for passing by and for your comment! Stay in touch with Bloglovin' now as Google is disconnecting GFC! Looking forward to your next post- oh and following you on Bloglovin' now xo

Julie Marie said...

i am glad there are people out there that understand. it really is scary... trying to find hope, or not even wanting to find it at all at times.. and its hard to talk about with people that think you are just sad about nothing.. its almost unexplainable, unless someone else has been though it.. thank God for his faithfulness...
i am glad you found me =)i found you too =)

Julie Marie said...

awesome thanks for stopping by as well.. will follow you on blogloving.. i am still so confused about teh GFC thing. i keep hearing its going away, but then i hear it will still be in tact for everyone that uses "blogger"... so i guess we will see. better to be safe than sorry =)

TicoTina said...

hey lady, I'm glad to know this about you (saw you reference it in your intro at Brooke's) it's so true that you just can't understand it unless you've been through it. I've had four different 6 month or so periods of depression and I identified for sure with what you described. for me everything just seemed hopeless and yes, my brain couldn't SHUT UP. I didn't want to be around people because I didn't want to pretend I was fine (well, I just can't pretend anyway) and yet I didn't want to be left alone with my thoughts!!! and more than anything I just wanted to feel like myself again!!!!!!!! it's definitely so much harder to deal with this stuff with kids who need you, the first few times I didn't have kids.

anyway, in this last time, which was a few years ago, I realized that the common denominator for me really came down to what I was believing about God and about what he meant for my life.

I pray that I don't allow my thought patterns to take me down that road ever again. I agree with you that it is important to really stay mindful and take inventory of your heart on a regular basis.

Hanna said...

This is such a beautiful post!!!!! I can relate on every, single, level and have been struggling especially with my depression and anxiety now that I'm pregnant and have 2 toddlers! I pretty much cry everyday and don't want to he tout of bed most days but have to. Faith has been my only hope of any salvation! I love your honesty! I try to write the same truth:) wonderful post!

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