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Monday, March 11, 2013

More Of Those Moments


It's one of those seasons for me again. A season of change.
A season of a renewed expectation of God's
grace to cover me as I come to realize I can't do this alone, even though I've tried.
I go back and forth. I never really believe I can do life alone, without him.
But sometimes I sure act like it. I just do my own thing.
Try to make things happen my own stupid way.
Or I get lazy and try to make nothing happen at all.
Thinking eventual validation for my dumb choices will make it all work out. As if apathy will produce some sort of fruitful  result in my life. It never does. I wind up feeling lost and broken all over again. When will I learn?

Thinking you have it all together is a scary place to be in. It's that place where those big, serious mistakes are made.  I remember a very long time ago, a girl I knew said she didn't need Jesus because she was happy with the way her life was. I understand that line of thinking. Where we are comfortable with our life the way we have chosen to do things. We didn't need God to get this far, so why should anything change?
That's a scary place to be in. I think the biggest downfalls come to us in that frame of mind.
We don't need Him. We are doing just fine without him.
I hate those moments where I realize my stupidity and think that my faith in myself alone (or another person) is going to bring me some sort of lasting happiness. Yet, at the same time, I love those moments.
Because those are the moments that I sit alone. I bawl my eyes out.
I cry "Jesus, I need you." I am not just saying that.
I very seriously cry "Jesus, I need you.  Please, please help me."
 Because I don't know what else to do. I don't know where else that comfort will come from. 
I don't know who else to talk to. I don't know who else will listen. 
And mostly I don't know who else will heal me. Over and over and over again.
It is in those moments that He reminds me of His forgiveness. That He reminds me that His grace is all I need. And that HE will never leave me. Others may leave me. And true,  I may forsake Him.
But HE will NEVER leave. 
And it is His passion for me that is enough to make me fall in love with Him all over again.
Isn't that the kind of passion we all want? The kind we all crave? The kind that doesn't fade after 5 or 10 years?  The kind that doesn't walk away...
It's these moments of tears and rest and conversation that my belief in Him becomes more than that.
There are some days when I have the simple belief that I need the grace and mercy
and comfort and peace of Jesus. 
But then there are those days, those moments that happen in life where I actually crave it....
I crave it so desperately, because I don't know how to make life work,or make my day work...
or to make that moment of anguish pass unless He helps me.
I want to crave it more.
I want to rely on Him more and on me less. Not because I want moments of anguish.
But because I want moments of intimacy.


5 comments:

Carole Fuchs said...

Beautifully said!!! I needed that!!

Xo,
Carole

Traci said...

Ahhh amen, lady. From your thoughts to this blog as if you're reading my mind!

Jordan Linna said...

Literally exactly how I have been feeling. Your words expressed it so perfectly. So incredibly happy I came across your blog! Newest follower.

TicoTina said...

sometimes it's too easy to take everything for granted... apathy is so deadly. I'm thankful, too, for his reminders of our need for him...

Sandra said...

Another moving and beautiful post! Thank you so much for this, I am truly enjoying getting to know you :) what a beautiful soul you have :)

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