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Wednesday, September 25, 2013

Tears & Mascara

This morning, as I sat in Colectivo Coffee, formerly known as Alterra, I caught myself off guard as tears managed to make their way down my face. Not a lot, but enough to try and hide myself. It's been evident this week that suddenly the very early loss of a pregnancy this summer is hitting me harder now, than it did when it happened I think. I just keep thinking how far along I would have been today. Almost 17 weeks. Almost half way there. The sight of that woman's beautiful and perfectly round belly gave way to this mascara stained napkin right in the middle of Colectivo.
And yet somehow, there's a sense of guilt over feeling sad about it.
I feel like I shouldn't be allowed. I have three crazy adorable children and in the past five years, I've become increasingly aware of the struggles other people go through to have children, if they ever even get that chance. And somehow I feel like in comparison, my heartache shouldn't matter.
I should be thankful. Yet, I know I am beyond thankful.
I can't say my tears today were the same as my months of tears when I lost Naomi at eighteen weeks. My very first pregnancy I was naive at best. I remember hearing myself say after months of morning sickness and vomiting "I don't want to be pregnant anymore." Of course I didn't really mean it. I just wanted to feel good. But those words still haunt me at times. And some days I still have to fight the need to blame myself, because suddenly weeks later, I wasn't.  To wake up each day for four and a half months,  pregnant, and then suddenly know it's over, is beyond devastating. And then to lose another baby just months later, it scared me. I wondered if this was my fate.
Perhaps you know. Perhaps you remember similar feelings. Perhaps my pain seems mediocre in comparison to what you have been through.
Obviously, my situation turned around. My faith in God's promises grew. I knew that he commanded us to be fruitful and multiply.  I knew that children were supposed to be a blessing.  I knew that He had given barren women in the Bible the desire of their heart. 
And I knew He is no respecter of people.  So I let myself heal. Then I let myself believe again.  And now I have three goofy, wonderful, completely different children, which three incredibly unique personalities.

So, why did I feel like I had any right to feel sorry for myself? To feel just a little bit sad this morning? To mourn the loss of what could have been?  It is ok for me to cry about this after I have three, when so many others struggle to have one? I battle this.
But in the end, I know that every person has their own set of struggles. What hits one hard, may depend on the season of life they are in at that time. Or it may depend on what they have been through already.  To judge others pain isn't fair, so to judge my own shouldn't be either, I suppose.. It is what it is. I'm not overwhelmed in emotion. I simply had a moment.
Just a moment where I missed what should have been.
And I'm always thankful for what I have and where God is bringing our family to next...

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Breenah A said...


Lisa @ MMT said...

Wish I could give you a hug. Sorry for what you are going through. It's okay to grieve for your unborn child, just as you would if you lost a family member. It doesn't make you selfish or ungrateful for the three beautiful children you have here.

Sue said...

God doesn't want us to live in sorrow of course, but it is natural to mourn and grieve the loss of someone, even if it's someone we never had the chance to know...

wendipooh13 said...

{{HUGS}} and hope you can find some peace.. it's totally ok to grieve...

Cody Doll said...

Awe. I am so sorry for your lost. It's okay to feel sad for it, for moments. Then remember what you have and you never know what is coming down the road. =]

Janna Renee said...

I'm so sorry that you have had to go through this, but I'm happy that you can see through the bad. You do have three beautiful children and are an amazing and strong woman. {{HUGS}}

TicoTina said...

I have wondered numerous times if I would feel like this someday... if I decided that I definitely wanted to have another child and ended up having difficulty in conceiving this time around... I've walked through it a bit with several friends, having difficulty getting pregnant after having already had kids. I find comfort in believing that God has the right time for our children to be born to accomplish his purposes, but I find myself wanting to not want another child to avoid being sad about it... I pray God holds your heart through this time of waiting and trusting and missing.

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