Thursday, January 15, 2015
Where Have I Been Going Wrong?
Around 7:30 pm last night I found myself sort of complaining to my husband that it's not fair that I can't seem to get anything done that I want to do or that people ask of me until after at least 11 pm. I have responsibilities and promises I've made to people, to my blog and to my church that have left me saying "I will look at it later tonight after the kids are in bed" or "I will work on it this week" and tonight or this week never seems to come.
I sat in bed with a baby very physically attached to me eating his dinner around this time, and had my tablet in front of me, as I tried to catch up on some reading on some of my favorite blogs. Bloggers that have shops and books written and kids and churches and ministries and homeschooling that they are responsible for...
and I wonder what my problem is.
Why can they get stuff done, but I can't? Even when they don't have it all together, they somehow manage to find the time to hop online and say "Hey, I don't have it all together" and they sound so graceful saying even that. And I so admire these women. But some days I hang my head in shame that I can't be more.
Lots of days I give myself grace to simply be a mom and I know my time simply doesn't allow for anything more. The baby doesn't want to sit in a saucer or swing all day long as some people might think while I work and write and create for myself, much less anyone else.
He wants to be played with, held, snuggled. He wants to giggle and by all means, feed the child. And even though I have 3 kids that, yes, go off to school during the day hours~no, I'm not a homeschooling mom~ I still can't manage to find the time to do anything but "be" with Wyatt (my sweet little 8 month, teething, sitting up, growing too fast baby boy). And if I do have the 'time' as some would think, I am left without energy. Yes, I sleep when he sleeps. Or I do dishes or clean or fold laundry, etc...but I certainly don't sit down on my computer during the day and pursue my dreams of writing or attend to my responsibilities to others.
And I feel guilty. I feel guilty that there are moms that are out there that work 40 hours a week outside of the home. I feel guilty that there are moms that run churches and write books and run shops and businesses and homeschool....and some of them even cook and work out...somehow.
And they still manage to find the time care for their family.
So what is my problem, I think to myself. Where have I been missing it lately?
I've been trying. Trying ever so hard to do it on my own.
I've been telling myself it's okay because God knows. He is the one who has given me this wonderful opportunity to be a mother and wife. He knows my responsibilities. He knows where my time is spent. And there is certainly nothing wrong with putting my family first. And His grace is ever sufficient for me.
But have I been relying on it? Have I been trying to do it without His strength?
After I cracked open my devotional for the first time in probably 5 weeks yesterday I read about being undone before the Lord. Contending to be undone before Him. Before I try to conform to the expectations others have of me and to the expectations I have of myself, why don't I first give Him my all and let Him work in me what pleases Him. His grace and strength He has certainly promised and provided, but I have to soak it up and let my heart saturate it. HIS presence in my life is where I want to be first and foremost. Swimming in it.
Yes, God does understand. And that is why He wants to be my source of strength, comfort, wisdom, time. and everything else I need to make life go smoothly.
Without it, I can very truly do very little to nothing, I see that now.
No, I haven't been wasting away my time or life, neck deep in immorality or impurities of thought.
I don't even have time for that if I wanted to (which I don't.)
But His grace is for more than that.
It's for the mommas and daddies and wives and husbands serving and giving to their families.
It's for the hard workers, love seekers, dare to dreamers.
It's for those of us with dreams of our own and desires to take life one step further and be there for others
(she types in tears).
We can do it, And we can do it with peace in our hearts and in our minds. And we can do it with the full assurance that God has given us already what we need.
He has given us wisdom. He has given us time, He has given us strength.
To be all that we are called and do all that we desire.
But those who wait on the Lord will renew their strength...
Those who wait on Him.
That is where I have been going wrong. That is where I've missed it lately.
But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint. Isaiah 40:31
(I am writing this all between the hours of 1:30 am and 3:30 am. I woke up to a hungry baby and I tried laying him back down 3 times. He is now sitting on my lap looking around, smiling as I type one handed. And I am feeling so extremely blessed, and also hoping he goes back to sleep.)