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Sunday, April 9, 2017

Nostalgia


A fit of nostalgia. Is that what they call it? I don't know. 

I tried googling the phrase and I couldn't really find it. But I swear it's a thing. And I've been having one. I made a playlist of songs that remind me of when I was in high school. Because those really are the best songs, aren't they? No matter what decade you were a kid or teenager in, the music that represents the era of your youth will always be the best. 

My dad thinks everyone loves 50s & 60s music. Well, I don't mind them Dad. But they aren't my fave or anything. I'm more of an 80s, early 90's girl when it comes to my musical (genius) playlist.
It's not necessarily because the music is that much better (though I could argue that with comparing it to a lot of today's music). But it brings back memories and feelings of a time where you didn't even get that it would be over before you know it. You didn't even realize you should have appreciated the simplicity of it. You just lived in that moment.

And maybe this is just me, but when you are young, everything seems larger than life. The fun stuff like the concerts and crushes are at the pinnacle of excitement. The hard stuff like break ups and mess ups seemed like they would be the end of us. 
Everything, whether bad or good, was big and impassioned. 
And you unwittingly longed for freedom and adulthood, not knowing that one day when you reached it, a concert would be like...Meh... A roller coaster would be... Blechhh! And crushes and first kisses would be traded for commitment to love for better... or for worse. 

I literally have been walking the track at my gym these past few weeks with tears streaming down face as I listened to the songs and the memories would come flooding in. The opportunities passed. The friendships lost. That sort of euphoric, blissful moment in time has been traded for a really good and comfortable, but a really familiar life. 
And it's not that I want my youth back, but rather I wish I could tell my younger self to protect this season of life. Love it. Love the people in it. Learn from your mistakes. Because it's such a short short time. It's not as bad as you think. But this isn't the best it's going to get either. 

I love where life has brought me. I love all that God has entrusted me with in this season. I love the relationships I have. And I love that I've grown up enough to know how to intentionally contribute to my life. I know to stop and breathe in the memories of my children. I know how to treasure the people I consider my friends. I know that there will be really sad and hard moments, so I need to embrace the joyful laughter amidst the chaos. 

I know that if I want adventure to go beyond waking the kids up late for school, getting frazzled & sweaty, and cleaning up messes of chocolate milk off the floor, I have to pursue it. 

And that is where I think these past few weeks have brought me. 
As I've listened to my songs and felt the emotion through each lyric and melody. I've asked the Lord what can I learn in this short trip down memory lane? Why am I here reliving these moments right now? It's not really just so I can live in my past, but more so I can learn how to better cultivate my future. I don't want to wake up in 20 years, telling myself the same thing over again. I don't want to kick myself for not loving my kids better, not going on adventures with them, not spending time sowing into my friendships or relationships with my family, not walking out my purpose and calling.

As I've taken this journey, I realize how little I have changed. I am still very much the same girl I was as a teenager. I am interested in the same things. I still gravitate to the same style of clothing and music. Not a lot has changed that make up my persona. But I've grown. And that I am grateful for. I can still be me, but I know how to navigate the important things a lot better. 

Though I may regret not preserving the small things in my youth, I don't think that it's an unusual thing. Most of us probably didn't realize how quickly it would pass and how drastically life would change. Most of us probably wish we could tell our younger selves, hang on to these moments, remember them, but don't get stuck in them. I think that is just a part of growing up. Knowing that when we were 'growing up' we'd be somewhat unaware of it all.

So what happens next?
I think just taking each day and making it big, but also pausing in and appreciating the small. Life can't get mundane if we stop often enough to acknowledge what we have... or if we live big enough to have something to remember and talk about to our grandkids.
So that is what I plan on doing. Living life on purpose. Each day. Each moment. I may forget occasionally, amidst a teenage eye roll or toddler tantrum. But I pray that I always come back to be reminded that this life I've been given is an adventure. It's up to me to get in the car and speed it up and slow it down.




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